Indulging Myself With Some Philosophy This Morning.

i feel like dreaming, so let me dream and indulge myself with some philosophy this morning.

so why do i struggle so much?

1) immaturity: i struggle, because i am not mature enough.

i am not mature enough to embrace my entirety, my whole; to embrace me as i am and at the same time to be grounded enough to be firm in my beliefs and who i am.

so let me tell you a 'logic story' that does not make sense: 'me' consists of 'i', 'the good me', and 'the ugly me'. because 'i' do not know how to embrace 'the good me' and 'the bad me' with love; and because 'i' do not even know myself, there are always conflicts between 'i', 'the good me' and 'the ugly me'. hence, i struggle. because there is no peace between 'the good me' and 'the ugly me', i force the maturity, purity, and goodness on me, because 'i' desire to be good, but then, i sometimes wonder if all this 'surface maturity' has become a mask.

2) ideals: i struggle, because i am a dreamer and an idealist. i struggle to change myself, because i hope; and because i want the ideals to become the reality.

why do i desire to be good, to be pure?; why do i desire to change 'for the better'? the fact is, i don't know why, but that's what my heart tells me. i feel it in the deep down of my heart. i guess this is what many people call morals, conscience, etc.

but the questions are: what should i be striving toward? what should my ideals be? my identity.. where are my ideals and desires coming from?
often times, i feel that humans and the community/society create many of the standards of purity and holiness. but what is truly Good and Pure and Holy?

but then,, joyce kim! you must let your heart be big and wide and deep enough to not criticize them, but to embrace them; embrace those rules with respect and love; embrace the ugly you; and embrace the ideals and the reality as one...


i am done indulging myself with some philosophy, and i have no idea what i am talking about.

must go eat and study now.

-kim, knowing that it will take decades to be mature.. haha.