Love.

love.

what is love?

my parents taught me that love is selfless.
my parents taught me that love is sacrificial.

my father taught me how to feel love.
my mother taught me how to express love.

i believe that my family are the people who love me the most on this earth.
i believe that my parents are the people who are capable of truly loving me the most on this earth, as long as they live.

what is a family? must love be reserved amongst one's 'family'?

my best friends tell me that they love me and that they care for me, and i feel the genuineness of their love.

then there is Christ's love.
Christ tells us to be love.

tell me my friends.
what is love? what is true love?

what does it mean to love? what does it mean to love one another and to love God?
some say that they are 'in love with God'. what does that mean? can that truly be?

are there really different types of love, as the Greeks have said long long time ago?
God's love, parents love, family love, friends love, romantic love... are they all love?

what is love?

love..

do i truly love? can i truly love? will i ever be able to love God and others, to truly love them so selflessly and sacrificially?

love and life.

i like love.

love is good.
love is warm.
love is important.
love is generous.

love is the giver of life.
love is the source of life.
love is the fuel of life.

love is the purpose of life?
love is the reason for being?
love is .. everything ..?

what is love...

love gives.
love cares.
love bonds.
love encourages.
love empowers.
love challenges.
love changes.
love heals.
love forgives.

what is love?

does love mean holy?
does love mean pure?

love fills our heart with joy.
love makes us weep the saddest.
love makes us wise.
love gives us courage.
love gives us hope.

tell me my friends.
what is love?


-kim, as if born to learn to love and to figure out what love truly is.






p.s.
a side story:
"my daughter, go out and get a labouring and low paying job. go out and make some money. go out and see the world, what the world is really like. experience and learn." my father told me one afternoon.
and i did. at this small women's clothes store called, "Mehanna", in a mall called "Atrium on Bay". embarrassed to say,, this is my first paying job ever.
so for the last couple of days, i have been living a very different life than the school life that i used to live.
my deteriorated muscules have been reworked and my poor poor feet are so tired. but i am good my friends. :)


p.s.s. tell me if the new colours hurt your eyes..

Men and Their Muscles.

today.
i finally got to go inside the house that i am moving into. very nice stuff.
i chose my room. :)
and i bought some furniture from ikea for my new place.

so i shopped at ikea with some guy housemates, and this made me realize .. 1) how physically weak i am, and 2) how strong guys are in comparison.
according to my friend, men naturally have fifty percent more upper body muscles and thirty percent more leg muscles than women. NATURALLY! isn't that pretty crazy?

this fact made me think of two things:
1) that's pretty sweet, and in sooo many ways very, very special.
2) no wonder some guys take advantage of their physical power and abuse women!

so here is a message from the 'feminist' kimmy:
"GUYS, DON'T ABUSE YOUR WOMAN! but seriously,, women admire your physical strength. by 'physical strength', i don't mean your muscles and buffing out at the gym. rather, i am talking about God's creation: how God has so masterfully designed you and i; men and women. it indeed is a beautiful thing that God has gifted you with and that God has entrusted you with, so be wise with it and use it Godly, alright?"

today's weather: a day's work of hard labour, rewarded with the pleasant aroma of drowsiness in the air. good night friends!

-sleepy kim.

Summer Plan.

plans for the summer:
-move in, like soon, very soon.
-finish my unfinished writing projects.
-finish reading war and peace. [yes.. i haven't yet finished this novel, but i shall.]
-summer school. [i decided to take a little break from art history. i plan to take some religion courses in the coming year, as religion is one of my minors anyhow. so this summer, i am taking "Psychology of Religion". sounds troublesome, doesn't it?]
-part time job. [i got the job. i will be working at this small, small women's clothing store in downtown somewhere. come visit and buy something! haha.]
-serving.

i think those will keep me busy enough, alright..

Let not my laughters be filled with gaiety and charms.
but instead, let me put on a mourner's black clothes and a pale face of modesty and shame.
and let me pray to God and ask for His mercy.
let me diligently wait upon His grace.

-kim.

The Declaration of My Fasting.

-The Declaration of My Fasting.-

JOYCE KIM IS NOW OFFICIALLY MARRIED.

so my facebook status is put to "married". that's right, folks. joyce kim is MARRIED. haha. joyce kim is married until/if she gets married, if it makes sense at all. so if you catch her not behaving like a married woman, warn kimmy, alright? haha. this is waaay too funny, but i am pretty serious though.

I AM FASTING MY SINGLEHOOD.

no more freedom of being a single for kimmy.
what does this mean? to whom am i married?
what does this fasting mean? why?
and i am not telling you. ahahaha.

April 27th, 2007.

Joyce Kim.

-The End of the Declaration of My Fasting.-

Today It Rained in My House.

tears of the earth are falling, and they soak my weeping soul.
the wind blows against me, as my wounded soul aches.

i think i kind of understand why adam and eve tried to hide away from God, from their sins; why they tried to cover up their nakedness and shames.

my soul continually weeps and weeps in silence, as the gentle rain falls and falls, as if the infinite sorrow mounted up in the sky is descending down bit by bit, drop by drop...

but alas, this rain, such tears of misery, will seep down into the very deep soil and to the root of all things, and be the the fuel of a new life.
the end of the world becomes the source of hope and the beginning of something new.

if that be so, God, let me get cold and soaked in my guilt and shame in their fullness, so that i may reborn and become anew.

joyce, don't try to cover up your sins with anger, sadness, happiness, or false hope. you do not deserve to be happy. it is time for mourning and weeping, to face those realities, to face the consequences of our actions, and to take life more seriously.

remember such a day as this, and be humbled, and alert yourself.

-kim.

Not Being Thankful Enough.

joyce kim! you should be ashamed, being such a kid and complaining to your readers like that yesterday! so here is an apology from joyce: "sorry for being a spoiled little brat yesterday friends." haha.

a speaker once asked,
"HOW MUCH DOES THE GOSPEL MATTER TO YOU?"

i always tell myself to be thankful.
but now that i come to think of it, am i really thankful, thankful for everything that God has put in my life?
because if i was truly thankful, i wouln't live the way i live right now. if the Gospel truly mattered to me that much, i wouln't waste so many hours of my life like i do right now.

JOYCE KIM! ARE YOU THANKFUL?
wispering shamefully, no. i guess i am not. i guess i really took everything for granted. EVERYTHING. that's bad, ain't it?
life isn't that easy, kiddo. when you'll be out there, out of the care of your parents, you will be out there. rethink your life before you regret. nothing you can do to change your wasted past, you know.. don't make the same mistakes. don't be so stupid with your life.

i guess i really don't know what it means to be thankful. i guess i really don't know what it means to work hard to earn my living. i guess i never 'not had'. i always had everything i needed and wanted provided under the sweat of my parents.
i suppose i really don't know what it means to be thankful for all these God-given blessings: this opportunity for university education, for the daily food which i often abuse by 'binge eating', for this warm house, for all this luxury in my life, even for my abled body and talents...
i look around, and i realize how much i have. wow. and i am not truly thankful for all these? .... !

-kim, apparently not being thankful enough; not taking the Gospel seriously enough; and taking love for granted; parents' love and Christ's love; their love for me.

p.s. *note** my friend is urgently looking for someone to sublet her room over the summer [downtown, toronto], so if you know anyone who may be interested, please let me know. thanks!
p.s.s. pray for my upcoming job interview please. thank you.

Random Stories of Past Days.

"so how are you, joyce kim?"
"not bad. not bad, my friend. pretty good, thanks. i am pretty good..."
kimmy has gone mad from all her studying, and has begun talking to herself, to her invisible friend. haha.

but seriously dudes, today's exam sucked.
for an hour or so, i was sitting there, thinking,, man, i don't know any of this, i have no clue what these essay questions are asking. i want to go home.. i thought i was going to flunk that course so bad. but! God was good [ha.ha.]. i was somehow able to pull it off in the end: i did my best to .. logically, reasonably, and sesibly make stuff up. haha.

a beautiful story:
absolutely gorgeous weather today. the sun and the warm breeze, but the best was the rain: the cool and refreshing shower of rain, and the smell of rain..

a sad story:
a ttc worker had an accident and died this morning. he died. dead. ...

an encouraging story [for those who have exams]:
my friend says,
"study as if you are studying for God. write your exam, as if you are saying to God, this is for You, God. Let God grade your work."

a warm story:
a friend who is in many of my art history courses came all the way down to robarts last night to teach me some stuff. she told me, "i want you to do well, joyce." i heard such warmness and sincerity of her heart that day, and i was touched. :)

some random thoughts:
-i realize that love of parents and human relationships are tangible blessings from God; manifestation of God's love in a tangible form.
-if i can't even study for God; if i can't even handle this stress-over-exams for God; how will i ever be strong enough to do many other greater things in His Name?

a challenging story at church this sunday:
-AN IMMEDIATE AND COMPLETE OBEDIENCE AND SURRENDER TO THE LORD.
-mediocrity. a scary word, eh?

that's all, friends.
good luck!!

along with the rain, i wish to be renewed.
along with the rain, i wish my heart to be cleansed.
along with the rain, my heart is soaked in the spirit of spring and its liveliness and hope of life. once again, grass is green.

:D

-kimmy.

A Prayer.

Joyce Kim,

Humble yourself.
Humble yourself before the Lord, and be patient.
Live for the Lord.
Hope in the Lord.
Trust in the Lord.
and Nothingelse.
Nothingelse, you hear that?
God loves you.
Meditate on the Word day and night, day and night, day and night... and don't forget. never forget.
God is the Living God, who will not fail you.
Be humble.
Humble yourself.
Be humble in the presence of the Lord.
Humble yourself and fear the Lord.
Never let this go. Hold on to it as tight as you can. Please.. never let it slip out of your mind, heart, and soul.
Hole on to this, Joyce. Hold on to this, and remember.
God loves you.

Love of Christ?

let me talk about my day today, and what i did. let me confess to you, friends!

-i woke up, thinking that i feel too lazy to make a trip to downtown. every time i think i can be productive at home, i think wrong. i thought wrong today too. i was not productive. i wonder why i can't be productive at home..

-i 'binge ate'. did you know that 'binge eating' is a type of eating disorder? anyhow, i have a very sensitive stomach, and when i don't watch out what and how much i eat, my stomach reacts and i get stomach pains. well, today i gave into my temptation and had cookies, lots and lots of cookies, croissants, bread, and some more bread. my stomach kind of feels sick right now. oh,, the consequences of our actions... :(

-i am a very dependent person. for all my life, my mental, physical, and emotional being has been depending on people; parents, family, friends.. i guess my asking-tons-of-questions is sort of a form of dependency as well. but recently, someone decided to lean on me for a change; letting the person to depend on me for their mental and emotional well-being. i will be listening to this person complain about life and people, and often i feel like i myself am not emotionally grounded enough to do this; challenging and draining; but i've got to do it. well,, i was supposed to call this person up for lunch today, but the irresponsible, non-caring, and mean kimmy decided not to. so there you have it, my sin of the day.

sins. sinning..
i often have trouble fully accepting Christ's Love; that He loved us that much, that personally. i have hard time believing that this Man and this God in the Holy Bible, such abstract and intangible and unseen Beings, really love you and i with Love, that is wiser, deeper, and more real than the love of our parents. in my head, it makes sense, because our parents, too, are imperfect humans beings, and their love, though so real, powerful, and tangible, can never be Perfect and Holy, but still, still,, i want to ask God:
God, really? You really love me that much; me who is so insignificant, sinful, messed and selfish?
i wish God will just grab my collar, shake me hard, and yell into my ears, my heart:
"Yes, Joyce. I love you. You. I love you that much."

i am such a deaf.

-blind & deaf kimmy.

p.s. please pray for "this person". thanks!

Indulging Myself With Some Philosophy This Morning.

i feel like dreaming, so let me dream and indulge myself with some philosophy this morning.

so why do i struggle so much?

1) immaturity: i struggle, because i am not mature enough.

i am not mature enough to embrace my entirety, my whole; to embrace me as i am and at the same time to be grounded enough to be firm in my beliefs and who i am.

so let me tell you a 'logic story' that does not make sense: 'me' consists of 'i', 'the good me', and 'the ugly me'. because 'i' do not know how to embrace 'the good me' and 'the bad me' with love; and because 'i' do not even know myself, there are always conflicts between 'i', 'the good me' and 'the ugly me'. hence, i struggle. because there is no peace between 'the good me' and 'the ugly me', i force the maturity, purity, and goodness on me, because 'i' desire to be good, but then, i sometimes wonder if all this 'surface maturity' has become a mask.

2) ideals: i struggle, because i am a dreamer and an idealist. i struggle to change myself, because i hope; and because i want the ideals to become the reality.

why do i desire to be good, to be pure?; why do i desire to change 'for the better'? the fact is, i don't know why, but that's what my heart tells me. i feel it in the deep down of my heart. i guess this is what many people call morals, conscience, etc.

but the questions are: what should i be striving toward? what should my ideals be? my identity.. where are my ideals and desires coming from?
often times, i feel that humans and the community/society create many of the standards of purity and holiness. but what is truly Good and Pure and Holy?

but then,, joyce kim! you must let your heart be big and wide and deep enough to not criticize them, but to embrace them; embrace those rules with respect and love; embrace the ugly you; and embrace the ideals and the reality as one...


i am done indulging myself with some philosophy, and i have no idea what i am talking about.

must go eat and study now.

-kim, knowing that it will take decades to be mature.. haha.

"Life Is Worth Living."

"life is worth living" were the words of my father this morning.

life is worth living.
there are days, when i want to ask back, really??!? life is really, really, REALLY WORTH LIVING???!?!?

life, in its entirety; its ups and downs, excitements, disappointments, struggles, happiness, joy, and sadness, is worth living.

so people, let's live, because my dad said so.
let's live, because it's worth living.
not just live, but let us truly live, because it is worth living.

TO LIVE.

today's weather: absolute happiness.
-kimmy, desiring to live, to be able to swim in the ocean of life and love.

Struggles and Purified Life.

i have a question for you, and please, tell me what you think:
what does it mean to be pure, for one's life to be pure, for a person to be pure, for the heart of a person to be pure,, to be purified?

and here is a question for me from my best friend:
"kimmy, why do you have to struggle so much?"
she told me that this thing,, it's right in front of me, but i am not taking it.

why do i struggle through life?

this is actually a very good question, because i see life as constant, never-ending struggles, struggle after struggle, and sometimes overloads of struggles.

why?

i just now hit the point where i think too much that i feel like vomitting.
i shall stop. i shall think about these questions later.
i think it's time for me to step back a little and enjoy life...

-kimmy, watching the sunset of her day.

Running Away.

one of my big time struggles is this:
running away from the reality.
i think one thing about vocation is that it is fulfilled, when the reality and the truth are confronted face to face.
facing the reality for me right now means studying my best for the upcoming exams, to live it out with joy.
so bye for now.
-kim.

"Day of Sadness"

kimmy is a little emo this morning.

so i've read more of the articles on the massacre at virginia tech, and how psychologically "troubled" the gunman, a south korean and an english major, was.

a loner who lived in his imagination of nightmares, and his story had become the reality..

this disturbs me. this makes me sad.

sad because of how wicked the gunman was. his wickedness makes me mad, yet a part of me feels sorry for him. what could have possibly went through his mind?
sad because of what he did. thirty two university students, each one of them so full of hope and potential, now futureless and lifeless and cold..

this indeed marks 'day of sadness'.
oh the world...

-praying kimmy, once again so thankful for all the wonderful people in her life who keep her sane and good.

Love of Parents.

how real and tangible the love of parents is!
how real the human relationships are!
sometimes,, sometimes, i wonder if God's love can truly be more real than these..

i am moving out this may to live in downtown with a bunch of ccf people,
and here are some things that i will miss, when i move out:
-my father's harsh yet so truthful advice, and his warm and understanding words of encouragements. i love my dad.
-my mother's food!!! i love my mom!!! haha.
-my brother, who makes me laugh and brightens up my sad & depressed & crazy days. :)

so today's weather is warmth of love.

-kimmy.

but then, what do i mean by real anyhow?

"Relationship"

so i've been thinking about relationships recently.

here it goes.

-a part of me thinks romantic relationship is stupid, and flirting with guys is girly and thus stupid. however, the truth is probably that i am too proud to admit that i do it too, consciously or subconsciously. oh, man.. haha.
-a part of me idealizes romantic relationships, and thus desire it 1) for the wrong reasons and 2) without knowing what it really is.
-a part of me thinks i am too weird and immature to be in a relationship anyhow. i'd say, it's a mixture of insecurity and some truths.
-a part of me in the deep down knows that nothingelse but God and Jesus, the Living Water, can satisfy my thirst; transform my life; and make the core of me and my life peaceful, joyful, hopeful, and meaningful.
and if i were wise, i would live by this truth all the time, and i truly want to, and i wish life was as simple as one can say it; but it is not, because i am sinful, so i have to remind myself or be reminded of this once in a while..

i think it comes down to trusting:
trusting God with every single aspect of my life.

life and its constant struggles.
sometimes i feel like i am constantly 'failing God'. :(

i've been stuck in this house for two days in a row, and i think i am finally going crazy..
i shall go for a walk now. kimmy needs some fresh air in her lung.

-sad kim, wishing to be wiser.

At the End of the Day.

"We are not heroes; we are merely people who are doing our best in our day-to-day work."
-Gordon T. Smith in "Courage and Calling".

my friend posted a good post today.
about life being not about us.
about living each day for God and His Kingdom.
about being able to pray that one had "lived well" at the end of the day.

challenges, challenges, challenges,,, good stuff.

rays of challenges in kimmy's weather.

-kim.

I Am Not Mature Enough for School !

today: I woke up, had breakfast, slept some more, pretended to work, created my blog, wrote a blog, ate some more, slept some more, did some facebook, and writing another blog, but mostly just bumming around at home, not being productive.

in Gorden T. Smith's "Courage and Calling", he talked about the significance of meaningful work in men's lives. people are meant to take joy in their work, but along with the fall, the image and the meaning of work had also been distorted, he wrote. how sad.. because i would love to love working.

i love learning. i love thinking. i love writing. i love drawing. i love to do so many things. but the problem is that when such activities become "work", when they are for school, for marks, they become burden, a source of stress and anger.

i love learning, but i hate school.
i love thinking and writing, but i hate essays.
i had hidden away my love of doing art in an almost sacred realm, too sacred for school anyhow.

why?

i feel like i've lost my passion these days. i used to have such a heart for art history. i still do love art. but how come when i am learning so much about art at school, i am not enjoying the studies??? why?

this passionless life bothers me.

is it because art history is truly not my passion [meaning, i truly don't find art history meaningful], or is it simply because i have become lazy and passive with my life? am i chickening away from the road i am taking right now, or am i chickening away from the road i am supposed to take? where does my heart truly lie?
such questions out of frustration,, i want to cry out to the Lord..

whatever my 'ultimate calling' is, i must stop lying to myself that everything is meaningless, because it's just a lie that i will regret about later. i must not let school and work suck joys out of my life!!

i will go work now. i will go own it!

-kim, knowing that she is not living the life Christ want her to live.

there must be a change in kimmy's weather. pray for her courage, please. thanks!

Hello.

welcome to kimmy's weather report!

i am joyce, also known as "kim" or "kimmy". :)

for the longest time, i couldn't understand this whole 'blog-thing'. what is a blog, and why do people use it? why would people want others to read about what they did, what they think, what they feel? it's almost like a filtered journal, depending how 'filtered' you want it to be.
my best friend recently created a blog, and we were talking about what to write on blogs. this lead the critical part of my mind to question, isn't blog partly about constructing one's identity, who we want to be in front of others, to the readers?
or perhaps, that is just what i am struggling with: learning to be courageous to be who I really am. lack of courage, lack of action are the things that i need to work on.

anyhow, so what is a blog for me, and why did i decide to create it?

because i am an enclosed and private person 'in nature'. of course, everyone needs friends to talk to, and i am blessed with some amazing people in my life. yet, i feel the need to open up more. at church, the pastor often emphasizes the importance of opening up to God and to others, of being honest with ourselves, of being me.

so this blog means sharing my life with others, opening up my thoughts, feelings, struggles and joys to others, so that hopefully the blog can be a witness of the transformation of my life over time.

enjoy, friends!
but i warn you of my crazy thoughts and all. haha.

today's weather report: clouds of laziness with a bit of rain and sunshine.

-kim.